Picture it: a small kitchen in a flat somewhere in the South of The Netherlands. A young woman, under the influence of morning coffee, is reading her newspaper. Something incredible draws her attention: "British illusionist plays Russian Roulette live on TV." "Well," she thinks, still under her morning coffee's influence, is it not remarkable the things people do to get on TV: I am not gonna watch that hoodwinking crap." Of course, being only human after all, she does tune in to watch what turns out to be an influential, glorious and unprecedented performance. Her susceptibility to this spectacular form of entertainment marks the start of what would later become known as her "Derren Brown obsession". Fueled by the Russian Roulette experience, she manages to see a few episodes of the fantastically crafted, monumental "Mind Control" series.

Influenced by all this, she visits the Derren Brown website and inexplicably decides to travel to the UK to watch him perform his, some think outrageous, tricks at the Glasgow Concert Hall, which is embedded in the heart of Glasgow. There, she experiences a breathtaking theatrical masterpiece starring this incredibly gifted man. A year later, finding it impossible to miss out on yet another breathtaking, masterminding performance she returns to the UK for the extraordinary, influential "Something Wicked this Way Comes Tour 2005".
After the last show, she ruthlessly makes her way to the stage door, totally ignoring his "I only got 3 minutes" plea. It is astonishing to see how easily he turns 3 minutes into 3 quarters of an hour.

Edinburgh, 28 May, shortly after.
Triumphantly, a young woman slowly disappears into the cold Scottish night. "What a brilliant night that was", she muses, "a night full of magic, psychology, suggestion, misdirection and showmanship."

Will she ever meet this great man again?.....

He wasn't taking any chances anymore. Not the one they called Roy.
Who knows what they're capable of!
Standing on Derren's doorstep he had been relieved that his worst fear had not been realized. The blood growing dark and flaky on the mausoleum floor was not his. He still didn't know whose it was though. There had been no sign of either of them - the traitor or the minx.
Who had influenced who, whose influence held sway it was impossible to tell. He guessed they'd been in it together all along, masterminding this devilish plan. Surely no one person could be so influential.
He found it astonishing that he noticed signs of a struggle: blurred footprints on the dusty floor. He'd bent down and tasted the dust. It told him nothing. It tasted bad.
Now he needed to warn to Derren, but not out here - it was too open, too exposed.

*****

Derren had been too shocked to prevent Roy leading him back inside the house. Now he watched, bemused, as Roy crawled on his belly along the carpet to the window and then reached up and closed the curtains. The sight was bizarrely breathtaking.
I think I just entered the Twilight Zone.
He hadn't forgotten how incredible Roy had been when he rescued him from those forumites but all the same. this behaviour was just odd.
He had started to ask what was going on but Roy had silenced him swiftly and now was insisting they communicate only through frantic and unrecognisable hand gestures.
Derren sat down. Then began the mostextraordinary game of charades he'd ever known.

*****

She'd gone out and left him alone. He was still bound and gagged, with a neatly bandaged wound on his left arm where her knife had been embedded.
He was trapped in a small studio flat. A computer sat in the far corner of the room. Propped against the wall beside it was a fiendish looking weapon. A naginata she'd called it. The psychotic glint in her eyes as she looked at it was something he wished he hadn't noticed. It was a slender wooden staff made of lacquered white oak and topped with a gently curved and incredibly sharp blade. It was a lethal masterpiece.
Coops took a deep breath. He had to get out of here. He had to get back to Derren. He had to confess. The naginata was his only hope. If he could just get to that blade he could cut loose his bonds and escape.

*****

And people think I'm mad for walking on broken glass and hammering a nail up my nose. Derren looked on as Roy tried inexplicably to rig some sort of spectacular booby trap by the kitchen door.
It hadn't been easy to send the text message to the security firm when Roy wouldn't let him out of his sight for a moment. But Derren smiled to himself a little smugly, after all misdirection was his middle name. Actually no it wasn't. He dismissed that last pedantic suggestion as he checked his pocket watch again. For him, hoodwinking anyone was easy, not the monumental achievement it would be for someone less influential.
As he watched Roy working feverishly, it was clear that there was some obsession driving him.
With any luck they'd be here to take him away soon.

*****

Just when things were starting to go right! She had dropped off the latest note to the Cambridge Theatre with unprecedented speed. On her way back she'd spotted the stall in Covent Garden market selling individual letter stamps. As soon as she saw them she knew they would be perfect for spelling out BE ACE RHINO so she had stopped and triumphantly fished out all the letters that she would need.
Cursing herself and her susceptibility to the charms of Covent Garden she looked around at the empty flat.
He'd gone.
Remnants of frayed silken rope lay in a small heap next to the naginata lying flat on the floor. He could at least have tidied up after himself. Men!
There was no use worrying about it now. She picked up a laptop case from the bottom of a wardrobe and a large black holdall that had lain next to it. Swiftly she packed a few essential belongings.
Walking away from the flat at a breathtaking pace she didn't glance back. She wondered if the messages had got to him yet. Surely he would understand them a man of his remarkable intellect.
A new username would be required. Well she'd wanted to change her avatar anyway this would be the perfect opportunity. A glorious new Forum Star would be born.
This was far from over.

*****

Derren didn't have time to listen to Coops waffling when he finally arrived. If he was going to make up excuses about being late he could at least keep to 'stuck in traffic', something plausible. Not these fantastically outrageous flights of fancy.
He'd set Coops to work in the kitchen, clearing up the mess that Roy had made when he'd been ruthlesslyremoved.
Pain is subjective. He began his mantra but it had lost some of its influence. His head hurt.

His feet were feeling better though.

Derren Brown was shocked
At the influence he'd had
On a crowd of rowdy forumites
Who'd turned quite clearly mad.

Indeed it seemed incredible
His influences could
Turn classy, snazzy chitty chat
To tales of - plywood?

And even more remarkable
That such tales could be
Works of utter genius
And pure hilarity.

Now DB had been hoodwinking
The stage hands and the crew
With the legend of 'Nobacherie'
Which frequently he used.

The influential (made-up) word
Passed by without complaint
Until its glorious release
To those with no restraint.

This unprecedented backlash
Amused the forum yet
But immune to susceptibility
They couldn't just forget!

The result was then spectacular
The obsession was well fed
Fantastically it soon became
A monumental thread.

It influenced the thousands
(Turned inexplicably insane)
The outrageous word became
Embedded in their brains.

The forumites set out
To meet and greet and such
To watch the show of Derren Brown
The man they loved so much.

The tricks they were breathtaking
The show a masterpiece
Incredibly the impossible's
Existence seemed to cease.

So yes, it was breathtaking
Masterminding too
But not quite as extraordinary
As the word that they all knew

The influential man stood brave
As they ruthlessly attacked
The astonishing truth of Nobacherie
Was finally unmasked.

"It's true, the word means nothing,
Not even chimpanzeee,
It's just a little inside joke,
Though you've all amused me."

Then Derren said triumphantly,
"A suggestion might I make?
If you see a word that's not quite right,
Just - don't - for goodness sake!"

The influence of this mysterious man was strong - Derren could not back down from the challenge. It was incredible that this man got away with Derren's ring, let alone influence him to wet himself. Before Derren embarked on this quest, he realised that his plastic socks would soon annoy him, so pulled out from his pocket a remarkable pair of sock garters, which happened to be green!

Confident of his hoodwinking skills, Derren chose to use the walkie-talkie again to contact the influential man. He demanded for his ring back but the mysterious man told him he must solve the clues first, and ended the conversation abruptly. "Why, on this glorious day do I have to take on this challenge?" Derren mumbled to himself.

With the clues in front of them, they discovered that each envelope had a code - Red was C4, Green has E4, Yellow was E11 and Blue was G20. At first they thought it was some kind of unprecedented wind-up and thus unsolvable until Coops spotted that they were co-ordinates to locations on their map. Derren looked at the nail clue and saw that the map pointed to an old theatre. "What the hell has that got to do with anything? Oh well, only one way to find out." he said. It was a fair distance between the locations so required some sort of transport.

The situation got worse as neither of them had any money, but Derren had a cunning plan... "Stay here" he said. Derren spotted a man whose susceptibility seemed to be intact; acting like a tourist he asked him for directions to the theatre. The conniving bastard also managed to ask for the man's wallet in the process, without having to pickpocket him. They spotted a bike shop; Derren bought the cheapest items there which happened to be a skateboard for Coops and a little red BMX bike for himself. Equipped with their not so spectacular new toys (and compass), they headed towards the theatre.

When they reached the theatre, everyone were coming out from a show, Derren and Coops claimed to have left their mobile phone inside so the ushers let them in. They walked towards the stage; Derren took out the nail from the coloured envelope and held it in front of his face looking for any clues that may have been marked on it. They noticed a disobedient female teenager wearing a red football shirt with the name "Daily" and the number 13 on the back of it. She was running around hitting people with what could only be described as an inflatable penis hammer - perhaps this is the new obsession amongst teenagers these days. It was later revealed that she was, in fact, Stage Door Louise.

Derren tried to dodge out of the way but it was too late, for a giant swing of the hammer caused Derren to insert the nail violently up his nose. Although there was no blood, Derren was traumatised, he then suddenly sneezed, which forced the nail out at great force and, in turn, burst the hammer. The terrified girl with a now flacid penis hammer retaliated by sticking a letter P on Derren's chest. Derren glanced down at the sticker, looking puzzled, yet knew it served a purpose and asked the girl if it was a clue. She nodded. Derren thought this puzzle had been put together fantastically and continued to move on to the next clue.

The map shows a newspaper stand, and when they arrived they noticed a man with a glass eye that was rather monumental. He was trying to solve the chess puzzle in the newspaper, which incidentally was the same page as the one Derren had in the envelope. He knew this man had the next clue, and so asked what he had to do get the clue, muttering to hint that his Chess was shit! Derren thought it would be a laugh to challenge him into a staring competition. His wink influenced the glassed eyed man to agree. He said "if you win, then I'll give you a clue. If you lose, however, I'll give you a false clue." After an inexplicably long duel, there was no clear winner so Coops took out the nail and distracted the guy. It was outrageous what he did, tapping the tip of the nail on the man's glass eye, making the man clearly agitated. The embedded glass eye fell out. He had fallen victim to Coops' intimidation, so the second sticker was given to Derren. This time, the letter A.

With two clues and two to go, they felt they'd done really well so far. Coops felt offended with the clues being 'PA', pointing towards 'Personal Assistant'. Derren told him to stop complaining and said if it weren't for him he would have been credited "Derren's Bitch", not Nobacherie.

The next location was a restaurant, which seemed to be a blessing in disguise, as they were both getting hungry by this point. They arrived and ordered some food and after eating, the waitress came out with what they thought was dessert. She had a tray in her hand with a cloth over it; Derren assumes this to be the next clue. Derren inquired about the clue but before he could finish what he was saying she slapped him. "What was that for?" he said, sitting back in his chair in a state of shock and utter confusion. The waitress was a bit nervous and was seen shaking, she pulled the cloth off the tray said "You give me the number and I give you the clue." She slapped him again. Derren again sat back, looking confused. "Ouch! What was that for? " Derren thought about it quickly, "for.four. 44" he said. It was a lucky guess on his part, but the waitress thought it was breathtaking, so gave him the clue, the letter M. Derren gave the waitress the buttons from the colour envelope as payment, claiming they were magic buttons - he had that smug look in his face knowing he got away with not paying for his meal at the restaurant.

The final location was at a circus. After walking passed various cages and tents they noticed a French man holding up a sign "Don't feed the chimpanzees!" they both thought it was rather apt and laughed at their masterpiece in-joke. Finally, they reached the location; in front of them was a mysterious tent with a sign outside which says "Something Wicked This Way Comes". Coops felt incredibly scared. Inside was a lovely yet lonely old woman. She invited them in and asked Derren to play a game of Snap 'with a twist'. "If you win 5 times in a row then I'll give you the last clue" she said. Derren took the 5 cards out of the envelope and continued to play. They both placed the cards faced down on the table, psyching each other out, but Derren knew he'd win. She thought it was impossible, but was delighted to see all the cards match up as they turned it over one by one, so gave him the sticker, the letter S. The old woman wished him luck and left the tent.

Derren placed the new clues on the table, rearranging the letters to try fathom a meaning. "PAMS. Pamela? SPAM. Spam emails? MAPS. Maps? Hey Coops wasn't there a grid reference in the map envelope?" he asked. Coops took the envelope out, but noticed that it was the same grid reference as their current location. They were both confused and came to the conclusion that it could only mean one thing - that the 'S' letter is to be used again. Derren took out his clipboard and wrote 'S' on the page, then rearranged the letters again. "SMAPS. SPAMS. SPASM? SPASM!" He shouted. In the back of his mind, Derren could have sworn he heard someone saying "I'm here. I'm here." Derren tries to dismiss it, at the same time it dawned on him that this puzzle was breathtaking, only a masterminding individual such as himself could think of such things and Derren felt he's met his match!

The walkie-talkie crackled, "Shit! He must be nearby, damn it," said Derren. He picked up the device and and spoke into it. "I have the word, it's SPASM. Now give me my ring back!"

All of a sudden the lights go out, they heard someone clap, pyrotechnics went off and a cloud smoke filled the room, it was extraordinary!. "Let's not get hasty," said the influential, yet mysterious man as his silhouette began to form. It was clear Derren was showing his fears, and Coops was under the table shivering. However, the lights came back on and Derren saw through his persona, and so knew he was bluffing. Derren asked for his precious ring back claiming he had solved the puzzle, the man was still reluctant to give it back, he was toying Derren by asking him to guess which hand the ring was in. Derren spotted this and played up to him, pretending to pick up clues. "That's not it. that's not it either.. That's it!" he says whilst pointing at the guilty hand.

The man knew he'd lost and felt rather ashamed. In a last ditch hope he said he had an idea. "Why don't you use this saying:
Suggestion, Psychology, And Showmanship Misdirection? Clever huh?" Derren ruthlessly responded, "Nah, it sounds shit!"

The mysterious man looked deflated and fumbling around in his pocket, produced Derren's ring. "Well done," he said, handing it back to it's rightful owner. Out of nowhere, Spasm appeared, asking if she could have a finger-ring instead. This mysterious man was clearly interested in her. They seemed to have clicked immediately, and decided to leave together, along with the suitcase. Derren felt somewhat relieved and mentioned to Coops how bizarre the whole ordeal was. Coops suggested all this could be great material for future shows. "They would be astonishing , don't you think?I can see it now." Coops' speech trailed off as he wrote down his ideas. "That's right Coops, we'll be rich!" said Derren, smiling. They always knew their plans would go triumphantly well.

They both left the circus and travelled back home. At the flat, Coops suggestion was that Derren should give away that silly red BMX of his first - perhaps as a birthday present or something.

The End.

I had been looking forward to seeing 'Something Wicked this Way Comes' for weeks, much to the annoyance of several friends and colleagues. "Darren who?" was not an untypical question, but one that was generally followed by "Oh him! I've seen him on TV". How they managed to cope with my growing obsession about Derren Brown will ever remain a mystery.

Before the show had begun I was already impressed as I read Derren's incredibly accurate assessment of those of us who buy the accompanying glossy brochures. Alright, so I didn't actually buy one. I made my other half buy one for me. But I was influential in it being bought, so I assume the statement still applies to me.

Not knowing quite what to expect I was a little surprised at seeing the interesting mixture of people that made up the audience. Whilst it was amusing to hear Derren's assessment of the audience members and particularly the typical Channel 4 viewer, it was also a little bit concerning.

Just how much is too much?

Throughout the evening people were selected at random to partake in various activities by means of a toy monkey indulging in some breathtaking aerobatics as he was thrown around the auditorium. Whilst I can understand the logic of this unprecedented method of selection, I am still a little confused why the monkey was wearing a yellow hat and raincoat. If any of you are able to explain this extraordinary outfit please do let me know.

From the start he had the audience in awe of his ability to influence and predict someone else's choices. Correctly predicting a thought of animal with a truly remarkable artistic representation was only the start. A volunteer was then charged with guarding a briefcase that would somehow be required to finish off the show in style. The pacing of the show was superb, with effect leading into effect. From distinguishing honest and dishonest statements, discovering the name of someone's first crush, a rather elaborate game of snap, and a glorious collection of predictions brought about by a short film with embedded subliminal messages.

The most uncomfortable moment for me came in the first half of the show. It is silly, but I did feel a fleeting sense of panic. My first crush. His name was Daniel. It was unrequited. Derren wanted the surname. Bugger. Daniel's family was Polish in origin. I can barely pronounce his surname let alone spell it! I tried to think of the surname of some other focus of my affection. Oh Bugger. Faces I could bring to mind. First names - no problem. Not that there have been such an outrageous number, honestly, but inexplicably I just couldn't remember any surnames at all. I am sure it seemed like a minor task, I just found it impossible. On that one occasion I was very relieved at not having the opportunity to head up on stage.

The charming humour interjected with the astonishing effects throughout the show helped to keep the audience on the edge of their seats. It gave us all an opportunity to relax a little after each sequence and to fully appreciate the breathtaking effect. I guess it also helped stop the spectacular cleverness of it from becoming too disheartening for us mere mortals.

The second half got off to a slower pace, and yet the tension increased as the effects took on a darker tone. Turning the tables a little, the second half focused more on Derren's abilities to influence himself rather than hoodwinking other people. There was a slightly brutal overtone also, hammering a nail up his nose, walking barefoot on broken glass, having a young woman slap him repeatedly.

Is it wrong of me to want to have slapped his face? It's not that I am generally a ruthlessly violent person. It just seemed like it would be incredible fun. If it seems that I am verging on the psychotic then I apologise on Derren's behalf. It's his fault after all, I am simply being influenced.

Just when the audience thought they could relax it was time for him to demonstrate how easy it is to manipulate us all. The briefcase and volunteer from the start of the show made another appearance to assist with a final monumental prediction that astounded us all.

Somewhat triumphantly demonstrating our startling susceptibility in order to close the show, whilst it hinted at a touch of (fantastically well deserved) smugness, it left everyone in the theatre thoroughly amazed.

Put simply: It was a masterpiece.

Now all I need do is begin masterminding how I can replicate the effect at work in order to plant the suggestion that I so deserve a pay rise and see how influential I can be.

A promotion and a pay rise.

A promotion, a pay rise and my own office. Oh, and someone to make me coffee.

Maybe I'm pushing my luck with the coffee.