LePapillionMagique

Go Go Yubari

Under the influence of Kahlua, of which he had guzzled an incredible amount, Derren Brown had decided to challenge Coops to a game of Tiddly-winks. He would often do mad things like that when he was under the influence of Kahlua. Other folk would simply take their trousers off and dance on the bar, swinging their bits about for all and sundry to see. Not so Derren Brown. Derren Brown would swipe everything off the bar with one arm and slam down a big bag of tiddly-winks. Or jacks. Or marbles. Or Pogs. Depending on what mood he was in.

There is nothing so remarkable or egregious about a sedate game of Tiddly-winks, you might think. And under normal circumstances, you would be right. But in this case it was a game of Tiddly-winks played under the 1903 Lithuanian Rule system! This variety of the classic parlour game involves a manoeuvre known as "hoodwinking", which was influential in the invention of certain forms of torture favoured by third world dictatorships. You may remember what happened to dissidents in the Glorious Republic of Mkosi Big Bruzza, and how long it took the pathologists to get all the bits of them off the cocktail sticks.

Even at his most drunken and debauched, Derren Brown had always avoided the Lithuanian Rule System. But in an unprecedented move, he had decided that night to live dangerously. Such was his susceptibility to the witchcraft of Kahlua.

The crowd in the upmarket theme pub formed a respectful circle, tables and chairs were scraped back, and Derren Brown and Coops squatted on either side of a heaped pile of small multi-coloured disks. There was no spectacular beginning to the game, for Derren Brown's obsession with low-key understatement would not allow it. Someone handed Coops a bowl of Nachos, which he emptied into his mouth in one go. This distended his cheeks so fantastically that he looked for a moment like someone with Elephantiasis. With a monumental effort he managed to close his jaws and begin chewing. He had soon swallowed all the Nachos, leaving the bowl free to be used in their game.

Influenced by the growing atmosphere of excitement and danger, Derren Brown decided to pick a member of the audience to sit cross-legged in a corner with the Nacho bowl on their head. It would make the game just that little bit harder. Inexplicably, he chose a man with a massive, outrageous afro. Coops noticed that there were lots of little Velveteen scrunchies embedded in the man's hair, no doubt purchased from Claire's Accessories for a breathtaking 99p. In a masterpiece of showmanship, Derren Brown asked the man to tilt his head backwards and rest the bowl on his forehead. The pose made the man's Adam's apple look incredibly prominent, and made it virtually impossible for him to swallow.

Everything was now ready for the battle to commence, and with breathtaking anticipation the audience leaned forward to watch Derren Brown's first move. With his Tiddly-wink gripped firmly between finger and thumb, Derren Brown flicked a disk at the bowl balanced on Afro-man's forehead. It hit Afro-man in the eye and made him wince. A bungled gambit, you might think, but Derren Brown was secretly masterminding a strategy that can only be called extraordinary in its scope and deviousness.

It must not be forgotten that Derren Brown, at the tender age of four, had memorised Dr Emily Von Strunt's influential manual on the subject of Tiddly-wink strategy: "How To Kick Major Tiddly-wink Arse!" He could still reel off the entire book word for word, even after all these years. And he was prepared to use every trick and ruse in that book ruthlessly. But if Derren Brown was an erudite man well-versed in Tiddly-wink theory, Coops balanced this out by being an idiot savant. His answering move was astonishing and pretty much crushed Derren Brown in one fell swoop. One eye moving swiftly over the heap of Tiddly-winks to ascertain how they all overlapped with each other, Coops leaned forward and fixed on one little yellow disk on the outskirts of the pile. Deftly he flicked it, and triumphantly he watched as every single, goddamn tiddly-wink in that heap shot skyward towards the Nacho bowl swaying on Afro-man's head. Every single goddamn tiddly-wink landed in the bowl, and every single goddamn member of the pub crowd leapt up shrieking with disbelief and joy.

Grinding his teeth together, Derren Brown clapped politely for a bit, and then took Coops quietly to one side. "A suggestion," he hissed. "If you don't want to return to that part-time abbattoir job I plucked you from, and if you're keen to stay my Nobacherie and enjoy all the cushy privileges that entails, you might want to let me win next time. Okay?"

"Okay," said Coops. He sounded humble, but there were dark thoughts in his head.

Bunty

I like to think I'm never under the influence at all,
Be it booze or hypnosis from Mr Incredible.
Derren Brown the mind control master to the masses,
Can influence the sweetest people, like molasses.
His remarkable talent does not include hoodwinking,
But being the influential type prone to thinking.

He's out of his glorious box, so to speak,
With his unprecedented mixture of cheek,
Showmanship, magic and mind control,
Susceptibility heightens his goal.
His fans are spectacular in their obsession of him,
Fantastically devoted, though chance with him is slim.

For me, the monumental moment when I found,
I had been influenced enough to look around
And see that inexplicably, I had been coaxed aboard,
An outrageous entertainment that could not be a fraud.
Embedded now, deep in my cerebral part,
Was a breathtaking masterpiece of art.

Incredibly, impossible to understand it all,
Breathtaking in simplicity, the man sure has some gall.
Masterminding such a show must surely take some beating,
Extraordinary if you think, his goatee does the bleating.
The influential mentors, that have helped him on his way,
Meant he ruthlessly developed into what he is today.

Astonishing to think that the forum has developed,
Triumphantly engaging in the magician we've enveloped.
And so , with slight suggestion, may I thank you, one and all,
And encourage your surrender, when you hear our Derren call.

SpasmTheCat

"Ode To Gary, The Drunken Git"

Derren stood up on the stage, distressed; his volunteer
Was well under the influence of fifteen pints of beer
"Incredible", our Derren thought, while looking at the twat,
"His brain is so damned pickled that my influence falls flat."

He stroked his goatee thoughtfully, and nursed an inner rage.
'Twas remarkable that Gary hadn't barfed across the stage,
or dropped his trousers in his alcoholic mental state
to show his manhood, winking at his one and only mate.

Influential may be this magician's middle name,
But fans aren't going to help him to complete his fiendish game.
When suddenly it comes to him; a glorious new way,
Unprecedented in the magic world up 'til today,

Susceptibility; this would be Gary's great undoing,
'Cos in a mire of alcohol his little brain was stewing.
Derren grinned, spectacular his evil plan would be,
Indulging his obsession, Derren rubbed his hands in glee.

He waved his arm and gestured, and thus fantastically
He managed to communicate with his Nobacherie,
And Coops, he knew that it was time to play his little part
As Gary burped and then released a monumental fart.

Influenced by Derren B, young Coops did dash to fetch
The items Derren wanted as he struggled not to retch
'Cos inexplicably he knew that he must find a lot
Of sharp and deadly items for the man's outrageous plot.

"Now look here!" shouted Derren, (using classic misdirection
to distract the poor old audience from Gary's half-erection),
"You will help me, you will not make this magic trick a farce,
or you will find this monkey toy embedded in your arse."

And breathtaking was the effect on Gary; he conceded
As Derren's sleight of hand procured from Coops the bits he needed
He thought he'd better hide them for his final masterpiece
But realised they were way too big; he should have worn a fleece.

Incredibly they disappeared inside his jacket pocket
While Gary (who was scared about invasion up the socket)
Attempted the impossible and tried to get un-drunk,
He took a breath, taking his time, the wretched little punk.

He looked up at the master, mindingeverything he said
And stated "Sorry, Mr Brown, I'm wanting my mind read."
Derren jumped; this really was quite extra-ordinary
But reasoned that the little git was probably still merry.

Influential, as I've said, is Mr Derren Brown,
But there's no way that he was ever going to back down.
He ruthlessly produced a nail, and held it up all proud
Then hammered it up Gary's nose, astonishing the crowd.

Triumphantly he took a bow, he even made the news.
The Daily Mail, on page thirteen, had wonderful reviews!
The moral of this tale? Please take heed of my suggestion,
And never upset Derren Brown, or he'll cure your congestion.

High_Hopes

Influence, so subtle yet with incredible potency on the weary. What degree of pain would reduce a man so low that he might recognise the power of influence. Remarkable in so hoodwinking the masses that it did not exist, influential being it's song. Glorious with unprecedented power over the susceptibility hardwired into the masses from birth so that they should not know the glory that life intended to offer. Such spectacular obsession with a man who recognised it's power. Fantastically, in a monumental blaze, life creates new sport. Influenced only by 'that', inexplicably it rises far above the outrageous, embedded conditioning forced upon us. Breathtaking can they be when need arises. A masterpiece of life itself. Incredibly they shrug off the perversion, the fear, which was forced upon them with impossible logic and breathtaking agility. Who could be masterminding the feats of the few with such extraordinary precision that even thoes in power were left questioning how influential their rank and office. Ruthlessly, perhaps, the architect will not say, but shows occassionally a fleeting glimpse of something quite astonishing. Triumphantly he waits for someone to hear the suggestion.

MuthaGoose

After the Influence of the Mr. Derren Brown, an Incredible amount of people, many of them fangirly according to some, joined the Derren Brown Forum for a chat. This Influence was Remarkable, and made some people go a little crazy in the head; by no means did Derren mean this to be an act of Hoodwinking but unfortunately it was.

Luckily, his work was not so Influential, as many people didn't fancy sticking a nail up their hooter because they didn't see it as a way to become Glorious and famous. The Unprecedented number of new forum members was overwhelming, and their Susceptibility to the smallest thing was just Spectacular.

Many people visiting the forum thought the members had an unhealthy Obsession over the man himself, but it turned out they were just Fantastically strange and couldn't help their mind problems.

Derren's tour this year was a Monumental one and lots of people believed this, they also believed that they would be Influenced to Inexplicably buy Pepsi cola after the show and this made them Outrageous, but while they were angry at this Pepsi cola buying possibility, they were unaware that Derren had told them to buy his new DVD and this command was Embedded in their brains forever!

When everyone got home, they played their new DVD and thought it was Breathtaking and a DVD Masterpiece, but thought it was Incredibly strange how they had come to buy it. One of the pieces on the DVD seemed Impossible and everyone once again thought the DVD was Breathtaking.

They decided that he was one of the most Masterminding and Extraordinary donkeys the world had ever seen. Yes that's right the story has indeed changed from being about Derren Brown to a donkey, but even this great donkey was hugely Influential and would be able to tell you to get him a glass of pop, most of the time this would be done Ruthlessly, but even Derren Brown thought the donkeys mind control powers were Astonishing and he should be given a medal or a toffee or something as a treat being so grand.

Going back to the story, Derren Triumphantly won the egg and spoon race on Saturday. Later on that day people said that he had cheated by gluing the egg to the spoon, but we all know he won purely by Suggestion.